


I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU (SO I'LL LET YOUR DICK FIX US)

by casey_sms (shinygreenwords), princewardo, shinygreenwords



Category: The Social Network
Genre: Angst and Humor, Crack, Crying, Fix-It, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-13
Updated: 2011-11-13
Packaged: 2017-10-26 00:47:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/276709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinygreenwords/pseuds/casey_sms, https://archiveofourown.org/users/princewardo/pseuds/princewardo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinygreenwords/pseuds/shinygreenwords
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reconciliation parody fic with more crack than Sean snorts because TSN fic isn’t cool, you know what’s cool? A billion angsty fics all fitting one perfect, epic, tautological cliche. Fix-it with ~love and feelings that tries so hard to be porn. You know how this goes. For this <a href="http://tsn-kinkmeme.livejournal.com/profile"><img/></a><a href="http://tsn-kinkmeme.livejournal.com/"><b>tsn_kinkmeme</b></a> prompt: I just want to blame someone else for my McAngst craving.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU (SO I'LL LET YOUR DICK FIX US)

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** We don’t own anything like Sean doesn’t own Mark except maybe in slave!fic. Also, we are not actually assholes (especially of the tumblr variety). We just think we’re funny. And we actually love all these cliches.  
>  **Authors:** [](http://casey-sms.livejournal.com/profile)[**casey_sms**](http://casey-sms.livejournal.com/) & [](http://princewardo.livejournal.com/profile)[**princewardo**](http://princewardo.livejournal.com/)  
>  **Rating:** FU [Fucked Up]  
>  **Warning/kinks:** For everything and nothing. No offense, but this may contain trolling which may fall under the category of "Mark-esque assholery". Oops. YMMV.  
> [](http://casey-sms.livejournal.com/profile)[ **casey_sms**](http://casey-sms.livejournal.com/): I’ve used probably every one of these angst cliches and daddyissues!Wardo too many times to count. /Mark shrug. I don’t take myself too seriously ;)  
> [](http://princewardo.livejournal.com/profile)[ **princewardo**](http://princewardo.livejournal.com/) : I LOVE DIS SHITTTT

>   
> 
> 
> _I don't quite know  
>  How to say  
> How I feel_
> 
> _Those three words  
>  Are said too much  
>  They're not enough_
> 
> _If I lay here  
>  If I just lay here  
>  would you lie with me and just forget the world?_ \- 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol

After the depositions are over, Mark can’t even remember how long the depositions were because the fans themselves don’t know how long they lasted. It’s easier to say he immediately fell into a coding spiral of doom. This is sad and everyone[1] knows that this is what Mark does when he has a lot of ~feelings that he doesn’t understand. Even though he had an SAT of 1600.

Anyway, new mature!Mark often pines after Wardo because he has plenty of spare time. It’s so easy for him to run his company, he doesn’t even have to think about it. Chris and Dustin are his only noteworthy employees anyway. The rest of them all fall under the umbrella of ‘interns’ who are a bunch of faceless people that he yells at and occasionally makes cry. Mark’s not an asshole though. He’s just upset, and abusing employees is a totally logical and excusable reaction to this.

All he can think about is “I was your only friend” and the more he thinks about it, the more it sounds like “I was your only”. Which doesn’t really sound linguistically sound, but there isn’t an actual epithet for a best friend who sued you that you still desperately want to have sex with.

It’s Complicated[2].

It never occurs to him what he actually missed out on when he failed to build a healthy functional relationship, because if he had then we wouldn’t have had _The Social Network_ , we would have had the best power supercouple on the cover of [The Advocate](http://www.advocate.com/article.aspx?id=194775)[3]. But now Mark just can’t deny his sudden epiphany about his ~~dick~~ ~~lust~~ love any longer!

  
(Eduardo is studying, lying on his bed with dress pants snug against his ass, letting it hang out because brooooo, your bed is nice.

Mark looks up from coding the same sequence over and over. He can’t concentrate for some reason. He has a Red Vine dangling from his mouth.

He wants to ask Eduardo, “Did you let someone fuck you today?” but what comes out is, “don’t you have somewhere to go?

Eduardo looks at him with his eyes wide like a baby animal. His lip is maybe trembling for no reason other than the fact that Mark just butthurt him with his bluntness and this happens everyday until Mark meets Erica and then it happens even more.

Mark looks back down at the keyboard and pulls his headphones over his ears so he doesn’t hear Eduardo’s answer and misses the hurt look of boyishmanpain on Eduardo’s face which luckily you get to read in excruciating detail down to the bushy slant of his brow because most TSN fic is written in third person.)

  


**Singapore, 2011** [Because Mark is a billionaire, a CEO that doesn’t really have to do anything except he’s gotta see about a boy ~~A~~ ]

“Wardo, I'm so s- I’m so s-orry," says Mark, randomly choking on his illegal gum, not because he is upset that his friends are refusing to talk to him and making him feel like a dick for being reasonable about protecting Facebook. This is also not about having sex with a sweet, fuckable Brazilian at all.

"Don’t call me Wardo before we have make up sex. I’m not ready for that. What are you sorry about? I’m just asking these rhetorical questions to make you feel bad. You're not really sorry. You'd do it all over again," yells Wardo with tears coursing down his face while it rains. It rains so hard, soaking him so his many layers of clothing cling to him. He also looks super sexy with all his clothes clinging. He looks sexy with his hair pushed back. Mark, tell him he looks sexy with his hair pushed back.

“You look sexy with your hair pushed back, Wardo.”

And that’s all it takes. That’s what Wardo’s been waiting for. This is the sign that he should get back together with Mark because in-between the depositions and now, he’s had nothing to do but to wait for Mark to turn up at his doorstep like a carol singer and tell him that he’s perfect. And it’s not even Christmas yet.

(Sometime in the future this will happen in a fic that I'm too lazy to write:

"I LOVE YOU," SCREAMS MARK AS HE EMPTIES HIMSELF INTO WARDO’S ASS WITHOUT A CONDOM BECAUSE IT’S A SIGN OF TRUST IN A FLUFFY BAREBACK VANILLA FIC THAT TRIES TO BE KINKY.)

Mark has only had sex with his computer (sort of) and an ex of such little significance he doesn’t even deserve a name (oh, and did you know Mark is gay? He just is. We decided). Nonetheless, he’s really good at sex. Because he has a huge dick. And he’s clean. Sexually. Hygienically, you don’t even want to know because he’s just gone straight from a coding binge to hopping on a plane to Singapore without even ordering a ticket where he arrived and wasn’t arrested by customs. /realism is boring people

He spreads his legs for Mark and it’s easy because he’s done it so many times with so many people. But this is Mark. It’s going to blow his mind. Like crazy jungle sex. But first he needs to open up to Mark emotionally. His therapist tells him that it will make his sexual encounters meaningful instead of just meaningless sex. Which is still good sex, and totally okay but Eduardo should strive for more. Eduardo’s therapist tends to give him a lot of mixed messages.

"My father," Wardo begins with a badly-suppressed sob. "He- he-" And he can’t get the words out. He’s that traumatized by what his father has done to him. His father had always expected things from him and it’s now he realizes he will never ever ever ever be good enough for his father. But Mark accepts him for who he is and Mark is his one and only. It’s a lot of realizations for a paragraph but this Wardo is healthy okay? He doesn’t substitute Mark for his father because that would be extremely unhealthy.

"How about I give you a blow job? That will make up for my insecurities and the perception that I am an asshole - which I’m not - but I have no feelings, because I am a robot. Also, I have a huge dick which makes up for the fact that most people think I’m not as hot as you.”

He is smarter too, but he doesn’t say this because he’s mature now and he has fricking finally learnt not to say everything that comes into his head. Like the fact he thinks after he blows Wardo, he’d really like it, if Wardo let him fuck him. Y’know, because Wardo is a good friend like that.

Wardo hiccups and turns his Bambi eyes to the prominent bulge where Mark’s dick is proudly dancing in his pants because dayum, he’s packing. “Do you think, you can- you won’t hurt me?” He bares his throat, so vulnerable and pale.

“No, I would never. Love means never saying you’re sorry. Which I did. And I meant it but what I mean is, well, love means I’m Slytherin,” Mark says. “I wouldn’t hurt you unnecessarily, but you should probably read the fine print, just in case.” He’s solemnly swearing to himself that he’s up to no good by this point. His wand is so hard.

“You’d really do that for me?” Eduardo says, unknowingly echoing Erica because, of course, Eduardo is the real love interest.

"Okay," Mark says insensitively, but licking sensitively at Wardo’s ass - he figures he should prep him while he’s at it. Wardo’s ass tastes like red vines and it calls to him like Bella’s blood to Edward.

“Wardoooooooooo,” Mark moans.

“Mark,” Eduardo gasps. “More?”

Mark isn’t sure of Eduardo’s ass virginity. He feels very loose so maybe Eduardo has been fingering himself every day and waiting for Mark to come and claim him. Just in case, Mark shoves in a USB stick which is abnormally long and happens to be shaped like a dildo, wriggling it around (little does he know that it contains Chris’s resignation letter announcing his imminent move to Washington to work with Obama. But that’s okay, things are okay, they are together now, they are going to be just fine because sex fixes everything, right?).

“Oh,” Eduardo says, feeling the smooth ridges touch his prostate perfectly like a perfectly crooked finger. Everything Mark does is perfect. He has the best ideas. Like for Facebook.

This is the part where he knows that - Mark is right. He was childish. What he did was wrong. Because Mark cut him out of Facebook but it was Eduardo who froze Mark out. He could have damaged their lovechild. And Dustin. And the dinosaurs! All those baby dinosaurs that Mark has manipulated him into having to babysit for the rest of his natural life. Eduardo doesn’t mind though, being emotionally manipulated is something he just has to deal with, you know. He’s used to it, it’s coo’.

“Mark,” he says, looking down into Mark’s beautiful, icy blue gaze. It’s unreadable and yet he knows, Mark would never hurt him. That and he forgives everything because it totally counts during sex.

“It was my fault, I’m so sorry. Please fuck me until you feel better!” Eduardo says, knowing his therapist would support him. Older!Eduardo goes to therapy and basically she tells him it’s okay if he pines after his ex-best friend because she is secretly a Yenti and she knows that they’ll get back together. If they need some hate!sex to get there, it’s okay. He just needs to know it doesn’t have to hurt. Slut!Eduardo has been fucked by so many people, what’s one more? (He was so sad, he was so drunk, his dad was so mean, he’s so hot - he has all of the excuses. He is pretty much the definition of a hot mess.)

Mark could fuck Wardo hard to make him sorry. Mark could be mean to him and make him wait with a cockring for an absurd amount of time but - Mark is older now. He’s wiser and his heart is 3.14159265 sizes larger. That is the Mark that Eduardo deserves, but not the one he needs right now. So he’ll fuck him softly. Killing him softly with his dick. Killing him softly. With his diiiiiick.

Mark shoves in with one gentle, flawless thrust, until his hairy balls are touching Wardo’s smooth Brazilian ass. Which is bare. Because he is Brazilian and he waxes regularly. It is a perfect moment. He’s fully seated, and he’s looking into Wardo’s chocolatey eyes and he’s hungry, so hungry for some some Lindt 95% cocoa with gold leaf threaded through it - custom-made because he’s a billionaire. He legitimately shits gold these days.

“Feels so good,” Wardo says, feeling full and - well, maybe he shouldn’t have had so much yum cha. Not that he wants to take a shit on Mark’s disco stick, because that would be too close to triggering a scat squick.

Mark clenches his teeth because he can feel Eduardo feelings pulsing through to his cock and he wants to hold him, hold him close and hold him together.

“Your dad is a dick,” Mark thinks and says because sometimes he still has no verbal filter and this is what Eduardo loves about him even though some of the stuff he says is legitimately fucked up beyond belief and there is a reason Mark has no friends. “Also my dick is inside you.”

“I know,” Eduardo says, straining to take it all. “Move, Mark.”

Mark rocks into him and Eduardo is suddenly frustrated because Mark never understands. It’s not what he means. “I need more room on the bed,” Eduardo chokes out, feeling a panic attack come on because Mark just mentioned his father...who still won’t- he can’t even- (clearly this means there should be a mysterious allusion to his horrible childhood filled with abuse in a blatant misuse of brackets that should probably be in the warning and will now make this a real angst fic).

Mark scrambles to help shift Eduardo’s awkwardo limbs that are still sexy and then presses him into the mattress again.

“It’s too soft,” Eduardo says.

Mark rolls them over to the posturepedic side. Luckily his ex Who Has No Name taught him everything about sex and also had a bad back. He also had no nose and really liked to talk to snakes but Mark doesn’t judge. They got on really well even though he insisted on calling Mark “Quirrel” in bed. That was some messed up shit. It does sound like QUERIDO, though, so Mark never had a moment to complain since he was always busy getting off on it.

“It’s too hard,” Eduardo whines.

Mark rolls Eduardo on top of him like a bakery and Eduardo sighs happily. “This is just right.”

“You bitch more than my code after I try to compile it after a Wank-athon. I mean. Hackathon. We have those at Facebook every couple weeks. I bring my Beast along.”

“Oh,” says Wardo, batting his foot-long doe eyelashes. “Can I come next time?”

“Baby, you can come right now.” Mark leers and thinks about coming on Wardo’s face and smearing it so he can say SIMBAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Mark runs his hands through Eduardo’s lion’s mane because Eduardo has the spirit animal of a baby Simba crossed with a dik dik. “Wardolocks,” Mark says. “My boo giggity gigitty boo bitch cutiepie. Easy peasy pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie motherfucker.”

Eduardo understands what Mark is trying to say. He knows that Mark can’t say it out loud, because he has issues with being an asshole and connecting with people and his badly characterised Asperger’s keeps getting in the way.

He knows that the curly-haired programmer is really an adorable person because he has dimples and also that if his life ever got made into a movie, they’d get an perfect, Oscar-deserving actor with so many issues, it would distract from the fact that Mark is an asshole.

But it would be okay, because Justin Timberlake would make everything alriiiiight. You have to respect Justin Timberlake. He brought sexy back. It was gone, and he brought it back. There should be statues. Golden statues I mean, I’m happy for The King’s Speech/Emma Stone, and imma let you finish but The Social Network is one of the best pictures of all time! Of all time!

So anyway, he owns the world and he could make it into his ding dong room. I mean ping pong.

After Mark used Wardo’s mouth, and ass, and hands, Wardo comes with a sob that Mark is pretty sure is not a sad sounding sob, his purple-red cock squirting like a Squirtle. Mark always picks Charmander as his starter Pokemon because seriously, if you didn’t, how fucking dumb are you? Still Mark feels like he should ask him in a symbolic statement. “If there's something wrong, it there's ever anything wrong, you can tell me. I'm the guy that wants to help. This is our thing. Now, is there anything that you need to tell me?

“I-” Eduardo begins, licking the jizz from his face and then he’s distracted by the way it tastes remarkably like... Chris’s jizz. Which tastes like Dustin’s jizz. Which tastes like Peter Thiel’s jizz. Everyone’s jizz kinda tastes the same except this time it’s different because it tastes like Red Bull. Or a reconciliation fuck. Both. Same difference. They both give you wings. What Natalie Portman never told him in econ class though is that shedding feathers is a bitch. Like Erica. Whom Mark would like to mention is still a bitch by the way. Because he is a misogynist, and that makes us all rather sad. :( And now, back to the porn.

“Yeah, Wardo,” Mark says breathily, hanging on Eduardo’s every word although really he’s just waiting for his refractory period to be over so he can fuck Wardo’s tight little hole like a pussy. It’s not gay if he imagines Wardo’s ass to be like tits right? Mark isn’t gay, he’s just Wardosexual. Which actually means he attracted to everyone named Eduardo which isn’t creepy at all because Eduardo could very well be named after his great-grandfather... “You’re my best friend. No homo.”

“I’m so glad we made up,” Eduardo says, eyes shining with unshed tears and the sweat and cum in his eyes. “I said I’d be coming back for everything. I’m coming back for all the come.” Then he passes out because of all the fucking and not because he was sexually self-destructive. He knows his therapist is going to be so proud.

Just before he sleeps, Mark watches him like a Cullen, takes a photo and posts it to Chris’s wall.  


  


Chris is busy on his knees in front of Sean not-Parker, so he doesn’t swoop down like the PR-vulture he is. With his sweet little freckles and blonde indie side parting of love.

Dustin hacks it so YOU AND 1,000,000,000 PEOPLE LIKE THIS.

It’s pretty cool. And isn’t that the whole point of Facebook? It’s cool. So cool that Sean Parker also likes it.

Wardo doesn’t like that. He asks Mark for a dislike button. And Mark makes a dislike button - everyone’s been asking for one anyway. God, Merlin, just because the idea made some lady burn someone’s house down. It’s just a house. Mark could turn everyone’s houses into ping pong rooms. And they’d like it. I’d like it.

Immediately millions of people start wank and troll one another. Facebook turns into tumblr and Karp seizes power, reigning with a maniacal glee and casual hatred of his subjects that shocks people who are used to Mark’s tight clutches. And no one has any privacy anymore.

But who cares because tonight? Mark is fucking you. If you are Eduardo, that is. If not, well, as Zuck would say: sucks to be you. Even if you are a Time Person of the Year. He is Time Person of the Year 2010. Which is the best year. FUCK YEAH.

  
Epilogue/Coda/Elusive Sextra/Our pathetic attempt to look canon:

On the red carpet of his next movie, Michael Cera is asked what it’s like to play Andy Zuckerberg. Andy Samberg ends up dating Jesse Eisenberg after this is spoofed on SNL.

Chris and Dustin get together because you gotta pair the spares. Everyone knows everyone in that Kirkland dorm was gay. No exceptions. Also this is why Christy will find Alice and they will end up together.

Billy got an idea one day and started Twitter. Except, not really. He stole it from some hot guy. Everyone knows that as long as they think it’s him, well that’s cool.

The twins end up suing Mark again and they get so frustrated they DP Divya and fulfil all the fans size difference kinks in one night. And they invite Armie and Josh over for a really great time.

Sean gets arrested but he breaks out and takes Amy hostage and she falls in love with him and they become fugitives together, occasionally overacting, stealing time and locking people’s fathers in safes.

Bob hooks up with Bill Gates one night which makes sense. It must be nice for Bill Gates to hook up with someone who doesn’t know who he is despite being a compsci major at Harvard.

Spider-man makes a random appearance in Palo Alto because he’s heard that Mark’s dick is really big and he wanted to see. He has a really suspicious Brazilian accent.

Marylin ends up with Sy because all that verbal sparring? Everyone knows it’s foreplay.

Erica marries the door guy. So she does end up sleeping with him. Mark is right. But the door guy is really nice, and really smart, and one day he will build a super empire that takes over the tech industry...he will call it Skynet, and it will be good.

Dustin walks in on Mark and Eduardo making out because once they made up, they are that couple that always makes out in front of everyone. He thinks it’s so awesomesauce and hot, he jacks off and Mark see him and is like, “O i c you wanna join in?” And then he does and obviously that’s how Chris finds them and then it’s a Facebook Founders Fourgy. And then they watch TSN together for the lulz. FYI playing TSN drinking games gets you FUCKED UP FAST. IN THE BEST WAY.

The team are then targeted by Cobb’s extraction team hired by the Winklevii to extract better sex techniques. Unfortunately, they fail because Wardo no longer has daddy issues to exploit. He no longer needs his dad to die conveniently so Mark can make up with him.

In any case, Mark’s mom shrinks everyone for free because they’re billionaires. Billionaires deserve more freebies. Save a billionaire. Please join this legit Facebook group.

Mark’s dad finds one cavity in his son’s mouth and cries. This moves Mr Saverin. Who happens to be a member of the Volturi. But that’s another story.

P.S. ~~I love you~~ Dustin Moskovitz is the youngest billionaire in the world.

Harvard referencing system:  
[1] Read: fandom. This is not an academic paper but I will footnote because it looks smart. This is actually a social commentary wannabe academic paper on the McDonaldization of Angst. I won’t tell you how long I spent getting this footnote formatting to work o wait I just did. Remember I could have abused my power to link you to Rick Astley but I didn't...did I? So aren’t I a hardcore fic writer? I think this means I can and should code! Or do another English dissertation like everyone else here. clicky back to TSN angst story

[2] And while talking about this with Chris, he runs out on him so he can code this into Facebook /does not bother to check if this is correct Facebook fact because it’s convenient and symbolic and sounds good. backdoor party upstairs

[3] Meta cringetastic linky!!!. Whut do you mean TSN fic is not rl!FB fic? Footnotes are annoying ayyyy? Gonna stop right there so you can stand there and watch me burnnnnnnn. But it’s alright because ~~Mark~~ Wardo likes the way it hurts. /I write ANGST pplz. back

**Author's Note:**

> ...aaaaaaand the Easter egg prize is [here](http://casey-sms.livejournal.com/201890.html?thread=347554#t347554) (beautiful fanart by [](http://princewardo.livejournal.com/profile)[**princewardo**](http://princewardo.livejournal.com/)).


End file.
